The most rewarding journey of my life...

So, I thought a post about my breast feeding journey would be appropriate, since this defines my life at the moment. 

Before I got pregnant, more like before I got into a serious relationship, I would say things like, "I couldn't IMAGINE breastfeeding.  I couldn't have a child's mouth on my BOOB.  Ugh." This was before I became more cognizant of being more green, organic foods and homeopathic remedies.  Once I realized how much good eating natural foods, using natural products and eliminating a reasonable amount of chemicals, medications and hormones from our lives can do, I decided maybe breastfeeding wouldn't be all that bad. 

That being said, I had officially decided being a "step-mom" was an adequate substitute for having children of my own, because, as I often said, "I get all the benefits of motherhood without ruining my vagina."  Oh goodness was I in for it! 

Needless to say, my getting pregnant was a surprise.  A big one, actually.  I wasn't expecting it, but ironically, I found out I was pregnant on Mothers' Day last year.  How appropriate!  And then began my journey of becoming as natural a parent as was possible.  I'm realizing that I have a long way to go, but I'm slowly eliminating all chemicals from my life and my son's life.  It's hard to eliminate them completely from Delina's life, however, since she is in another home a few days a week, and I'm sure she's exposed to crazy stuff there.  But at least I know my house is on its way to being as earth friendly as possible. 

I removed my nipple rings as soon as I found out they could hinder my ability to breastfeed.  This was a huge moment for me, as I loved those things.  Who knows why, but I had a lot of pride in them.  And I started eating as healthfully as possible.  I say as possible because when I was pregnant, I couldn't keep anything down for days at a time, so whatever I could keep in my belly in these times I would just eat.

Then came my decision to have a midwife instead of an obstetrician.  And a natural birth.  The natural birth had to go out the window, but I'll tell you more about that in another post.  But in all of this, the most important thing to me was quickly being skin to skin with my son so that he could latch right away and we could be on our way.  I did end up with skin to skin contact within 10 minutes (he was examined by NICU docs because of meconium in the water, but they were quick).  And my son latched on like a pro.  Or so they told me.  Later that day, however, my left nipple hurt so bad I could scream!  I guess I have a dimpled nipple.  So, a LC came in to help me and we decided I should pump on the left and feed on the right until it healed. 2 days after being home, I just fed him right from the tap most of the time.  I couldn't be bothered with a middle man. 

I'd like to say it's been smooth sailing since.  I'd be lying.  We spent the first 2 weeks having weight checks because he wasn't gaining weight fast enough.  It took him 2 and a half weeks to get to his birth weight.  There have been many days when all I want is to have 4 or 5 hours without my boob in a kid's mouth.  Anthony spent 3 weeks not having a bowel movement without the assistance of a suppository, only to find out he's allergic to milk protein, which I've had to eliminate from my diet.  I've also cried myself to sleep because it hurts so much. Some days he squeezes so hard because of my fast let down and tears pieces of my skin off.  I needed a few hours of a break once because I had nothing pumped and I was nervous about that. I gave him an ounce of soy formula in his bottle.  This caused the same reaction we found from the milk protein.  I felt so badly for days!

We've had some bumps but we've found what works for us.  I've eliminated both milk and soy from my diet, and he's been pooping regularly, and feeling much better.  He's been sleeping through the night almost since the day we got home from the hospital, except for some extremely gassy nights.  And I have continued giving him one bottle of pumped milk when I'm signaling that it's bedtime, because that's what we did from day one, and why change something that works so well?

Once Anthony started gaining weight, he didn't stop.  He's up to 13 and a half pounds up from 7 pounds 10 ounces.  And he just turned 3 months last week.  He is the happiest baby ever, and when I look at him, I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to know that this kid, with all his rolls and chub, has gained as much as he has gained because I chose to stick with it.  I was determined to give him the best I could give him, and, so far, I'm succeeding.

I'm hoping to breastfeed for at least a year, maybe a bit longer. Hopefully I can reach this goal.

Update... I no longer give Anthony a bottle of expressed milk at night.  Turns out the older they get the smarter they get.  He started rejecting my breast and screaming when it wasn't coming out fast enough.  So, now he gets fed before bed directly from the tap... And I'm happy to report it works better and he sleeps longer, in his own crib, in his own room, usually for 12 hours a night :)

All smiles...

So, there are so many stories I could tell about my journey of becoming a "mom." There are so many stories I could also tell about becoming a Mom.  I have stories about breastfeeding, and childbirth.  I have stories about 5 year old Delina, and the beginnings of our relationship.  We'll eventually get to them.  I promise...  (I know you must have been worried that I wasn't gonna EVER tell you all about my experiences breastfeeding.... but they're coming!).  The defining moment in my journey so far has to be the moment my son Anthony first smiled at me.  There were several tiny smirks before that, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will ever compare to the first time he opened his mouth, showed me his gums and his whole face, eyes and all, smiled at me.  It was around 7 pm on February 8th.  I was sitting on the couch, Anth on my lap.  I was talking to him, just as I always had... and he looked at me and smiled soooo big he melted my heart.  I literally started crying.  (Why is it that we as mothers cry the first time we see our children smile?  Isn't that weird?) He did it twice in a row, which made me cry just a bit harder... Then, being a typical mother, (although I hate to admit that...) I called everyone who I thought would care, even a litle bit, and told them how my big boy had smiled.

I cried again at 5 the next morning when he was up for a feed and smiled at me again.  I cried again every time he smiled at me for the next few days.  I still, almost 2 months later, melt each and every time I see that smile.  The best part about it has got to be that no matter how sad he is, I can get him to smile at me.  That's the definition of the love that exists between a mother and her son.  It's gotta be!

So here I am.

If you had asked me a five years ago what I'd be doing in five years, being a mom wouldn't have been in the top five things on my list.  Hell, it wouldn't have even made the list at all.  Not because I didn't want to ever be a mom.  Not even because I was opposed to doing it so soon.  But because I just didn't forsee it.  Not even a little bit.

That being said, even further from possibly being in my future would have been almost every part of the situation I am in.  Did I know I'd be divorced?  No.  Did I know my other half would be such a perfect fit for me that I'd have to pinch myself on a daily basis, just to find out whether I was dreaming?  No.  Did I know I'd be in a commited relationship with another man at all?  No.

Even as surprising as all these things would seem to me (maybe not to everyone, especially those who don't know me, but to me), the situation I am in now breaks my number one rule.  This man that I consider my other half, the most compatible partner I could ever have, has a daughter of his own, from a previous relationship.  Not only does he have a child with another woman, he has sole custody of his daughter.  And we all live together.  She tells people I am her step-mom.  She very often asks if she can call me mommy.  And it doesn't bother me.  At all.

Delina is, at times, very difficult to live with.  Not because she's not a lovely girl, but because the situation with her Mom is very stressful.  And she is supposed to visit with her Mom weekly.  This is as specific as I'll get on that subject because this is her cross to bear, not mine.  And frankly, it's none of anyone else's business.  But Delina can be very oppositional, she can pit her father and I against each other, and she is extremely strong willed.  When she's not thinking about how to push our buttons, though, she is just like any 5 year old girl.  She is very playful, funny and insightful.  She is waaay too smart for  her own good sometimes.  And I'm sure her intelligence level makes it even more difficult to live in a split family, because she understands it.  All of it. 

None of these things make me regret being in the situation I am in. Not even a little bit.  I am happier than I have ever been, and I'm learning how to be a mom as I go.  It was thrown in my lap, and now that I am a Mom to my own son, I'm glad I had the practice. And I welcome all of it.  Probably because this is where I'm supposed to be.  And this is exactly when I am supposed to be here.  I'm sure of it.